Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.—1 Peter 3:1–7

Introduction

Sometimes when I give a wedding homily, I’ll start by talking about the three rings in marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. It’s humorous, but it also has its truth. Marriage isn’t easy; it requires working at it and giving it one’s attention. But thankfully, God has given us instructions for marriage. This morning we come to a text that has beautiful truths for us to see, celebrate, and to put into practice. Marriage can be hard, but God has given it to us for our good and for our joy. Peter outlines the glorious and high calling of Christian husbands and wives. The gospel of Jesus isn’t to be sequestered away in one crevice of life on Sunday morning, but it transforms all of life, even the most intimate of relationships: marriage.

The apostle Peter has moved from the political sphere, to the social sphere, and now to the most intimate sphere: marriage. A marriage relationship would become even more challenging if one’s spouse converted to Christianity in the midst of the Greco-Roman society. Depending on how that converted spouse behaved, it could cause social upheaval, tension between spouses, and various challenges as a husband and wife raise children, relate to friends, and participate in the community. It could also make the Christ faith take on unnecessary criticism. So Peter gives instructions for wives and husbands.

Main Point: Believing wives and husbands are to hope in God and reflect that hope in God-honoring marriages.

A Christian wife or husband is to display their ultimate allegiance to God through their attitude and conduct toward their spouse. Peter’s instructions are very different for wives and husbands, because men and women have unique God-given roles and responsibilities that complement one another. In a world full of brokenness—polygamy, pornography, same-sex marriage, abuse and manipulation, rampant divorce—God gives us a beautiful picture of men and women who are equal in dignity and worth and made to flourish in differing, yet also complementary and mutually beneficial, roles.

This passage has at least three aims for believers that I want to draw out:

1) Represent Christ Well

A believing wife or husband is to have his or her marriage reflect the beauty of Christ and the church. Our marriages, with all our attitudes and actions, should not bring dishonor to the name of Christ. Instead, Christian marriages can display the beautiful transforming work of God through Christ in the life of a believer—even if only one spouse is believing.

2) For Salvation

That our conduct would win over an unbelieving spouse without a word. In particular, this is drawn out for the wife, which we’ll get to, but one’s right conduct and especially submission possesses an evangelistic and apologetic power. People will see believers suffering unjustly, and believe. A husband will see the fearless faith of his wife and, Lord willing, be won without a word.

3) For Our Joy

These are not burdensome commands. They aren’t easy, but nothing worth doing is easy. Rather, these are the high and holy callings for people who are destined to be with God forever. This is God’s design for marital joy and flourishing.

Our outline is just looking at Peter’s word to the wives (3:1–6), then to the husbands (3:7), and then some closing application.

1. Word to Believing Wives (1 Peter 3:1–6)
2. Word to Believing Husbands (1 Peter 3:7)
3. Application for Wives & Husbands

A Few Preliminary Words

If you are single this morning (e.g., unmarried, divorced, a widow or widower,a  youth, or a child), this is still an important word for you. Everyone is affected by marriage, and there is beauty here in this passage to understand the distinctiveness of manhood and womanhood. Our Bethlehem DNA booklet likewise says this, which is important to repeat: “We believe singles are integral members of our church and community. We rejoice in the unique way that singleness celebrates the sufficiency of Christ.”

Every marriage is an imperfect marriage. I know right now we have broken marriages in our church, unbelieving spouses who are watching this morning, divorces pending, and children hurting. I am praying that God’s word will bring hope and healing to all the brokenness.

It doesn’t take much analysis to see that wives are addressed in verses 1–6 and husbands just in verse 7. “What gives?” you might be thinking. I believe there are two reasons. First, Peter has focused his instructions on those who have less power, because they are more vulnerable, and it parallels the experience of his readers. Last week, when he addresses servants, he does not address masters at all (unlike in Colossians 3:22–4:1 where he addresses bondservants and masters). Secondly, Peter gives direct instruction to wives, affirming and empowering them as co-heirs of the grace of life. They are equal in value and worth, and receive direct instruction from God.

A Word to Believing Wives (1 Peter 3:1–6)

This word to wives can be broken up into three parts: (1) a call for submission, (2) an explanation of right conduct, and (3) an example of holy women.

A Call for Submission (vv. 1–2)

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

This command is for wives to humbly submit to the authority and leadership of their husbands. The use of “likewise” refers back to 2:18–25, highlighting the attitude of submission “with all respect” (2:18). Literally translated “with all fear,” not of her husband but in reverence to God. This submission flows not from inequality or incompetency, but rather out of reverence for God’s design for marriage. This submission is grounded in the teaching of Christ’s relationship to the church, taught in Ephesians 5:22–33. Slavery is part of the Fall, but marriage is established by God. And he designed it such that wives humbly submit to the loving and sacrificial leadership of their husbands, like the church submits to Christ.

In order to prevent any unnecessary confusion, let me say what Peter is not saying here.

A) Own Husband

Wives are to be subject to their own husbands, not anyone else’s husband. All women are not subject to all men. Wives are not subject to someone else’s husband.

B) Equality

Secondly, Peter is not saying husbands and wives are somehow unequal in God’s eyes. Peter is not suggesting inferiority, inequality, lesser standing, or diminished stature in the kingdom of heaven. Men and women are both equally made in the image of God (Genesis 1:26–27), and are both co-heirs of the inheritance and future salvation that will be revealed. Peter does not equate submission with inequality.

C) Not Absolute

This submission is not absolute. She is to fear and revere God above all else. But she does not follow her husband into sin or to go against God’s commands.

In the Greco-Roman world of Peter’s day, most wives followed their husband’s religion and gods. Any deviation would have been unusual. But Peter writes to believing wives, where some of their husbands were unbelievers. They are not to go with their husbands’ gods, but to remain faithful in their allegiance to God first (with reverence and fear), and submit to their husbands second. 

This humble, God-fearing, submission has an evangelistic power. If some husbands are unbelieving—that is what is meant by “do not obey the word”—Peter desires for them to be won over by their wives’ conduct and become saved. This is the same thing Peter said earlier in 2:12 to “keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.” 

The wives’ attitude and conduct is to win over their husbands without even speaking a word. A believing wife is to live out and display the fearless trust she has in Christ. She is not to badger her husband. She is not to manipulate him with tears or withholding intimacy. She is not to be a doormat and passive, nor passive aggressive. She is not to nag, undermine, scheme, or belittle. Her attitude of steadfastness, trust in God, respect and purity will communicate a type of beauty, dignity, and fearlessness that flows from faith. Wives who hope in God above all else are unflappable in the face of fear. 

An Explanation of Right Conduct (vv. 3–4)

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.

These verses don’t mean that everyone who is wearing nice clothes, earrings, and braided hair is sinful, and everyone watching at home in their pajamas is holy. These verses emphasize not cultivating one’s external appearance alone, but rather cultivating one’s internal qualities of spiritual beauty and of godly virtue, which is precious in God’s sight. 

This is similar to Proverbs 31:30, “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.” Peter is not banning nice hair, nice clothes, or jewelry altogether. The NASB tries to clarify what is meant when it says, “Let not your adornment be merely external.” External adornment aims at concealing or calling for attention. High heels, jewelry, and nice clothes elevate a woman’s external beauty. But women of faith don’t forget what God ultimately values most: cultivating the inner beauty of faith, of steadfastness, of gentleness, and of holiness. This passage doesn’t mean everyone has to be frumpy, but rather encourages women to be full of faith and hope in God.

External beauty is lovely, but it fades for us all. But women who hope in God are to cultivate an imperishable beauty that flows from the hidden inner person of the heart that never fades. That beauty only increases as you age. God says this is precious, valuable, and of great worth in his sight: a heart of faith, of hope, and a cultivated inner spiritual beauty characterized by fearless submission.

Let me say a word about “quiet and gentle spirit” briefly, because I think some women who are more outspoken, maybe even blunt, feel like their personality is contrary to quiet and gentle. Peter is not talking about personality. Peter is speaking of a disposition of faith. Are you someone who trusts in God, exhibits a peaceable nature, avoids unnecessary fights and conflicts, and refuses to harbor a bad temper? Christian wives are to please God with their conduct and not their clothes, with their godly virtue over their visual appearance, and with their attitude instead of their attire.

An Example of Holy Women (1 Peter 3:5–6)

For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Peter now turns to give an example of these “holy women.” Sarah, Abraham’s wife, and all these holy women (e.g., Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, Leah) hoped in God and submitted to their husbands. They trusted in God more than in their husbands. If you read about Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, they were far from perfect, quite flawed in fact, but these women trusted God in imperfect marriages. Now what does it mean for Sarah to call Abraham “lord?”

Sarah calls Abraham “lord” in Genesis 18:12, where an angel of God shows up to Abraham & Sarah and tells him that Sarah will bear a son. Sarah knew the impossibility of this reality. The ESV puts it very delicately, “The way of women had ceased to be with Sarah” (Genesis 18:11). I imagine that Abraham at 100 years old is even worse off. Sarah knows that better than anyone else. She could have said, “Fat chance I get pregnant, Abraham is as old as dirt!” She didn’t. Instead, “Sarah laughed to herself, saying, ‘After I am worn out, and my lord is old, shall I have pleasure?’” Sarah addresses Abraham with a term of respect and dignity, honoring her husband because she ultimately trusted God. 

God loves the beautiful cultivation of a fearless faith, full of hope in him, as a wife submits to her husband. Wives are to be fearless—even facing an unbelieving husband—so that he might be won over without a word. What this teaches is that a wife’s submission is not dependent upon how godly or loving her husband is. He should be! We’ll get to that. But wives will give an account before God—and they are called to a fearless faith, full of hope, characterized by a quiet and gentle spirit, which is pleasing and precious in God’s sight.

For wives this morning, are you diligently cultivating your inner spiritual beauty, which in God’s sight is very precious? With our culture’s emphasis on external beauty, do you devote your time and attention to developing the hidden person of the heart? A starting point is to drink of the pure spiritual milk of God’s word. I’m sure there are many diagnostic questions you could ask, but here is one: “Do I spend more time on makeup, exercise, decorating my house, or whatever else—all fine things—more than I spend on reading God’s word, prayer, hospitality, and serving those in need?” Are you submitting to your husband with faith-filled fearlessness, hoping in God?

2) A Word to Believing Husbands (1 Peter 3:7)

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Peter begins with “likewise,” meaning that husbands are to live with their wives with “all respect” (2:18). Living in an understanding way is to treat them according to knowledge. Peter is talking to believing husbands and doesn’t make a distinction between his believing or unbelieving wife. Part of the reason for that would be that in Greco-Roman culture wives and the entire household would follow the husband’s religious practices. These commands are true for believing husbands, whether their wives are believers or unbelievers who are mostly cooperative. 

Husbands are to live with their wives according to knowledge. Knowledge of what? Knowledge of their own wife. I imagine that all women are very different. Learn about your wife. What does she need from you? How are you doing in showing non-sexual physical affection? How about in stepping in with discipline, tasks around the house, or talking with the teenager who is mouthing off to mom. Do you understand her desires, preferences, struggles, and fears? Really listen. Ask questions. 

Ephesians 5:28–30 says, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” Husbands are to show Christlike, sacrificial leadership. Men are not to abdicate authority, but rather use their authority with gentleness, love, and understanding. 

Peter goes on to explain that part of this understanding is showing her honor as the weaker vessel. Peter is pointing out that women are generally physically weaker relative to a man’s strength. While there are exceptions to this, this generally remains true. Nowhere in the New Testament is it suggested that women are weaker emotionally, intellectually, morally, or spiritually. In fact, one can make the case that women are stronger in a number of areas, so that men and women need one another. Men and women are complementary such that one’s strength can mitigate the other’s weaknesses. 

The image that most often comes to mind is that a woman is like a fine china vase or a crystal bowl, whereas men are a 5-gallon plastic bucket from Home Depot. We’re not pretty, but we can get the job done. Whereas women possess a certain beauty, grace, and strength. This isn’t to denigrate either sex. This is to highlight our differences, and a call for men to treat the fine china vase with care and gentleness.

Sinful men have distorted texts like 1 Peter 3:1 and ignored texts such as this one in order to cover and excuse their abusive behavior. That has no place in the church. None of what has been said condones abuse, domination, intimidation, control, or any type of mistreatment (verbal, emotional, financial, or physical). In fact, this text is an exhortation to men to treat your own wife with tenderness and understanding. Why? 

Peter says, “since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” The ground or reason he gives for husbands to show honor to their wives is twofold. First, wives are heirs with you of the grace of life. Wives and husbands will equally receive a future inheritance, and have the same eternal destiny. Furthermore, this implies that your wife is not only your wife but your sister in Christ, meaning she is a daughter of God. The implication is that you will be judged by God for how you treat one of his precious daughters. I have two daughters, and I feel so protective of them that it’s hard for me to imagine that there will ever be a man good enough. It is a reminder for husbands: How are you treating your wife, a daughter of God? Is he pleased?

Second, this passage says, “so that your prayers may not be hindered.” If you do not treat your wife well, God will not listen to you! If you do not show your wife honor as a weaker vessel, God will turn away from you. Do not abuse, intimidate, or run roughshod over your wife. She is God’s daughter! Peter says, “For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil” (1 Peter 3:12). Domestic abuse is evil for it distorts the image of Christ and the church. God sees.

God does not bless or give favor to those who abuse their God-given authority by mistreating others. Use your authority and leadership and strength to love your life as Christ loves the church. If you’re dabbling or indulging in pornography, kill it. This does not honor your body, which is Christ’s temple, and it does not honor the marriage bed, and it does not honor your wife.

Are you living with your wife in an understanding way? Do you know more about hunting, boating, video games, the latest on ESPN, or golf than you know about your wife? Do you ask her if she feels heard, appreciated, and cared for? I would encourage husbands to set aside some time this week to find a quiet moment to ask your wife how the two of you are doing. Listen humbly, taking notes, and seeking to show her honor. Is there a discrepancy between your prayers and your actions toward your wife?

Christian men are to look to God for the strength to exercise leadership in order to love, serve, sacrifice, and protect. Gird up your loins, men. Play the man and embrace the high and holy calling you have to mirror Christ and the church. This high calling should bring us to our knees, so that we can lead with love and humility. You have your example in the person of Jesus. 

Application & Closing

For wives who have unbelieving husbands—perhaps he’s sitting next to you, or hasn’t been to church in years—take heart. Trust in the Lord. Don’t fear what may be fearful. Continue to stand firm in the true grace of God. Your trust in God, your prayers, your labors to love and serve, and your respectful and pure conduct is not in vain. Your church is here as your extended family. And I would even challenge and exhort some of the men here this morning, make it your mission to engage the unbelieving husbands of the wives who are here in our midst.

For husband and wives, resist the temptation to  think mainly about how this sermon applies to your spouse, and not to yourself. Instead, husbands, how is God convicting you of how you ought to treat your wife? And wives, how is God convicting you of how you ought to treat your husband? Do not deflect this text, minimize your sin, or focus solely on your spouse’s failures to live up to this passage.

Our earthly marriages serve as signs and pointers to the ultimate and perfect marriage in heaven, between Christ and his bride, the church. Christ laid down his life for his bride, in order to rescue and purchase her from the grip of Satan. Jesus is the ultimate dragon slayer, rescuing his bride, and we get to live happily ever after. So husbands and wives, set your hope on God and entrust yourself to him. Seek to mirror Christ’s love and the submission of the church in our marriages, so that a watching world would look and see the beauty and majesty of Christ and his rescued and redeemed bride.

I am praying that hundreds of marriages would experience renewed joy, laughter, and mutual delight. God designed marriage for our joy and flourishing. Let us be a people who display the beauty of complementarity: wives full of faith, hoping in God and living out fearless submission to their husbands; and husbands full of faith, hoping in God, leading with love, showing honor, and living with their wives according to knowledge. Pray with me to that end.

Sermon Discussion Questions 

Main Point: Christian wives and husbands are to hope in God, and reflect that hope in a God-honoring marriages.

Outline

1. Word to Believing Wives (1 Peter 3:1–6)
2. Word to Believing Husbands (1 Peter 3:7)
3. Application for Wives & Husbands

Intro Question: For those who are not married, what do you think will be the hardest aspect of marriage? For those who are married, what is one challenging aspect of marriage? (Share in such a way that don’t denigrate your spouse.)

Discussion Questions

1. In 1 Peter 3:1, what does “be subject” mean and not mean in this context?
2. How might a believing wife, with an unbelieving husband, win him over without a word with her conduct? What is an unbelieving husband likely to see exhibited from his wife?
3. In verses 3–4, how is a believing wife to adorn herself? Why?
4. In verses 5–6, how does Sarah’s example function as an example to believing wives?
5. In verse 7, why would a husband’s prayers be hindered because of how he treats his wife? What should that make a husband feel?

Application Questions

1. How can a believing wife of an unbelieving husband hope in God? If there is someone in your group who has an unbelieving spouse, spend time praying together for them.
2. What are some ways believing wives can cultivate the hidden person of the heart? What attitudes, actions, behaviors, and use of time and energy will further this aim?
3. How can husbands live with their wives with greater understanding and showing honor? What are some ways you ought to know your wife better? What are some ways you can show her honor publicly? 
4. Of the five diagnostic questions listed, which one or two is most convicting? How will you begin addressing that area of your marriage?

Prayer Focus

• For those married, thank God for the gift of marriage and all its blessings even in the midst of challenges and difficulties. Confess any areas of sin, hard heartedness toward your spouse, or failure to fulfill this passage. Thank God for the forgiveness that is found in Christ, and the perfect example of sacrificial love revealed in the cross of Christ. Ask God for help in fulfilling your calling as a husband or wife by placing your hope in God. Spend a moment praying for any unbelieving spouses.
• For singles, thank God for the gift of marriage and for all the healthy marriages in our church, extended family, or friends. Confess any areas of sin or discontentedness with singleness, and if inclined, ask God for a godly spouse to help you carry out these commands to reflect Christ and the church. Ask God for help to walk in the manner worthy of the gospel—whether single, dating, or headed toward marriage—and for contentedness and focus on Christ’s mission wherever he has you right now.