Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.—1 Peter 3:1–7

Outline

Introduction: Not At Home … At Home

1. What a Wife Should Wear (1 Peter 3:1–6)
2. How a Husband Should Care (1 Peter 3:7) 

Application: Living and Longing for Home … At Home

Introduction: Not At Home … At Home

The last two weeks we’ve seen how those who are elect exiles and sojourners waiting for our true home are to have a posture of submission to the authorities—governments and masters—while doing good. These earthly authorities do not have the ultimate authority over us; we submit because our King tells us to have a posture of submission as long they don’t ask us to sin. This makes it a true witness to our allegiance to Christ when we must resist authority. We are called to do good as God defines it, which means there will be times to resist if we believe we’re being asked to sin. 

We see a similar pattern in this passage addressed to wives. They are called to “submit” and “do good” again—the same words we keep seeing—even if they are living with unbelieving husbands. What we will see today is a call to beautiful, humble, and courageous womanhood that fills her home and marriage with beautiful conduct that shows the beauty of her King and her hope in him. We also get to see the call of God on husbands who want to show the compassionate care of God to their wives.

Marriage points to the beauty of Christ and the church, with husbands meant to show the self-giving servant-leadership of Christ and wives meant to show the glad submission to Christ.

Let me give three general notes as we dive in:

1) If you’re not married, don’t check out. 
Rather, if you’re a woman, there’s all sorts of beauty in this passage about what it means to be a distinctly Christian woman, even if you aren’t yet married. For you younger women out there, I’d encourage you to find women like this and ask them to mentor you. Get in a small group or Titus 2 group. If you’re a man who’s not married, there’s all sorts of beauty in this passage about how to be a distinctly Christian man, even if you’re not married. If you’re a younger guy, get around men like this.

2) Notice that these calls upon men and women are not conditional on one another. 
In other words, the wife is not called to submit only if her husband is knocking it out of the park. And the husband is not called to lead with care only if his wife is doing all of Proverbs 31. Neither should get in the car or turn off the livestream and start asking the other person why they can’t get their act together.

3) Notice that these commands are needed because this place we live is not our home and is broken. 
You would think that if you could feel at home anywhere, it would be in your actual home. But remember: Our home is with Jesus. The culture in which we live will not naturally call women to this kind of beauty nor men to this kind of strength. It teaches men to use women and women to resent men. Those things are everywhere. Our culture builds brokenness. If the brokenness is bad, please get help. If pornography is destroying your home, reach out and get help. You can’t obey the commands in this text as a husband with your soul numbed because of porn. If you can’t stop feeling bitter and angry toward your husband, get help. You can’t obey the commands of this text with a soul full of boiling anger, anxiety, and resentment. Expect brokenness. Get help from your small group, from your Titus 2 group, from your men’s group, or—if it’s getting more serious—reach out for counseling.

If abuse is happening, call upon the church and the governing authorities to do their job and come alongside and help.

We are not home. So instead of hiding because you think everyone else is doing awesome, come out of hiding and get help so that together we can walk in new, beautiful conduct that makes much of our King together.

1) What a Wife Should Wear (1 Peter 3:1–6)

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.—1 Peter 3:1–2

Again, we see a posture of submission. Notice a few things about this submission:

1. This woman submits to her own husband—not all men.
2. This husband is an unbeliever.
   Remember in chapter 1 where it says that we are born again by the living and abiding word and that “this word was the good news preached to you” (1 Peter 1:23, 25; cf. 1:20–23). If he disobeys the word, it means he rejects the gospel. He is an unbeliever. This marriage is not easy, especially in a time where wives were expected to simply go along with whatever their husband decided.
3. The call is not, “Leave him because your King is not his king.”
   Instead, the call is “stay and fill your home with beautiful conduct” to show him the beauty of your King so that he might be saved! This is a high and beautiful calling. This kind of call to self-giving, courageous love flies in the face of our culture today.
4. Notice where the ultimate submission is.
   Do you see the word respectful? It’s that same word for fear that we keep seeing in these passages. These women don’t tremble before their husbands. They tremble before God and conduct themselves with holy purity that shows their submission to King Jesus. 

Here, we have a woman trembling before her King, having a posture of submission to her unbelieving husband, and seeking to fill her home with pure conduct that might show her husband that the word of the gospel is true and real and beautiful and really does transform!

So then how should this woman trembling before God carry herself in her house?

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear.—1 Peter 3:3

We think we are unique in our sexual culture and our surface-level valuing of people, but there is nothing new under the sun. Our culture—with every advertisement, with the most popular actors and musicians, and with the ease of pornography—teaches us to value women on external appearance. Therefore, it is easy for women to find their identity in external appearance, isn’t it? Now the wrong way to take this text would be to think that everyone who did their hair and wore jewelry to church this morning is sinning, and everyone in their jammies watching the livestream is holy. Peter is not condemning particular things. How do I know that? Because he talks about wearing clothing. Certainly, Peter would not say women should never wear clothing. He’s not saying it’s wrong to give any attention to taking care of your body or having a certain style.

Instead, he’s talking about where women find their identity and how they think about true beauty. I saw and heard lots of conversations among women during COVID-19 shutdowns about various places not being open and the anxiety it was causing. Whereas I saw Nathan Metcalf solve it simply by shaving his head. The world presses on women to find identity in external beauty. But, that changes when you come to know Christ. Outward beauty is no substitute for the kind of inward beauty necessary to be a courageous Christian woman. And perhaps you don’t struggle with outward jewelry, makeup, and all that. Perhaps it’s your house looking a certain way or driving a certain vehicle. Perhaps comparing yourself with others is what you struggle with.

This is a matter of priority. Is more time spent maintaining outward appearances or developing the strength of your soul? The world wants you to compare and give your life to external beauty,  and it makes you feel your worth if a man recognizes that. That’s no way to live. So what should a woman wear?

But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.—1 Peter 3:4

A Christian woman should wear an inner beauty as long-lasting as the inheritance that is coming her way. A woman should cultivate her heart to have the imperishable beauty of gentleness and a quiet spirit. The idea of gentleness is meekness. Meekness is a humble strength that seeks the good of others with gentleness. Do you find yourself a gentle, humble person eager to do good to others? 

And do you find a quiet spirit in yourself? This has nothing to do with the volume of your voice. Think of a quiet sea. It’s still and safe. This has to do with the tranquility of your soul. Is your soul generally a raging storm so that you find yourself lashing out, anxious, angry, and frustrated? Perhaps your soul is raging so you take it out on people around you? You can’t be gentle, because your heart is boiling with anxiety and anger—so you always lash out, desperately looking to control things and get your way. 

Instead of worrying about outward appearances that get noticed by others, you are called to this gentleness and tranquility of heart that gets noticed by God. Do you see that? It is precious “in God’s sight.” Don’t live for the external approval of the world, but live for the pleasure of God.

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.—Proverbs 31:30

But how do you get there? How can you actually do this when there is so much pain and fear, when your husband really does do dumb stuff, and when life is so fast-paced all the time?

For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.—1 Peter 3:5–6

Here, Peter points to Sarah as an example of a holy woman who submitted to her husband. Sarah refers to Abraham as “Lord” in only Genesis 18, and it’s a little off-hand comment when she’s talking about how he’s too old for them to have a baby. Several commentators say that this shows her disposition of submission toward him even in casual conversations. How can you have a gentleness and tranquility of heart that shows up everywhere in your life?

Peter’s answer is “hope in God and do not fear anything frightening.” It would have been a fearful thing to be a wife who had an unbelieving husband. A wife was supposed to just go along with her husband’s worship of Roman gods. To not worship with him would have made problems and could have brought shame to the family. To not worship with him could have made him want to put her out of the house. It could mean being without provisions and even separated from children. How do you have gentleness and tranquility of heart in that situation?

Hope in God! Trust him. Live for him. Know that Christ is a perfect husband and God is a perfect Father with his eyes always on you. How do you not fear anything frightening? Hope in God. Right? We keep coming back here. Who are you? Where is your home? What is your identity?

Your home and identity are found only in Jesus. If you need your earthly home or husband to be all that Jesus is meant to be for you, then you’ll never have peace and you’ll never be gentle, because no home or husband can keep you from frightening things. And no home or husband can be what Jesus is meant to be for you. 

Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.—Proverbs 31:25

Where does this dignity and strength come from? How can she laugh at the future instead of trembling before it? Because she hopes in God, she fears him above all, she knows this is all temporary, and she simply wants to fill this place with the beauty of her King. We need strong women who remember that they’ve been born again to a living hope; with an imperishable, undefiled, and unfading inheritance; with a Father who is always watching; and with a heart that—come what may—can be settled in Jesus. Your husband is a gift when he’s following Jesus, but he’s not God. Your home here on earth is not your ultimate home. Wives and women, adorn yourselves with gentleness and tranquility of heart that grows up from deep roots that hope in God, fear him, and cast out all other fears. 

2) How a Husband Should Care (1 Peter 3:7) 

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 

Notice, Peter has not addressed government officials or masters. But he does address husbands. Men, we need to hear this word.

First, live with your wives in an understanding way.
That literally says, “according to knowledge.” This is a soul-level knowledge. In premarital counseling I tell husbands that their calling is to make their wife their homework. Know her inside and out. What are her fears and her joys? Where is she struggling to believe the gospel? Husbands, take the time to know your wives. This is the privilege and call of your life. Sometimes your wife is afraid and anxious and angry because she doesn’t think you care. Do you want to make life less fearful for her? Be a man that she knows cares about her soul—her dreams, fears, and joys.  

Second, show her honor.
Why? Well, here we see complementarity on display. There are two reasons for this honor. First, she’s the weaker vessel. This most likely means physical weakness. It’s a scary thing to submit to a man who is bigger and stronger if he’s dishonoring, harsh, and angry or abusive with his words. Instead, weaker vessel can have the idea of a kind of precious vase. As you seek to know your wife, do you handle her soul with that kind of care? Do you seek to live with her in a way that your strength feels like a refuge to her and not a threat? 

Also, she’s a fellow heir of the grace of life. She’s a child of God. She’s going to inherit the world with you. You don’t want to be found treating what God calls precious as if it’s unimportant. You don’t want to be found treating God’s daughter harshly or rudely or using your God-given strength to abuse his precious daughter.

It can be a scary thing to submit to a guy who is harsh and angry. It can be a lonely thing to submit to a guy who would rather watch Sportscenter (when there were sports), or scroll Facebook, or watch the stock market, or live in politics than to know her soul. It’s an anxious thing to submit to a guy who doesn’t take initiative to lead the family toward Jesus or who always seems apathetic about everything—perhaps a man caught up in addiction for which he won’t get help.

Make this submission an easy, joyful thing. Tend to her soul. Handle her with care. Make your strength a refuge. Treat her with honor and help her flourish as a fellow heir of God’s grace.

Men, even if you’re not married, do you lean into relationships to know the souls of others and honor them with this kind of care? 

And husbands in particular, if you will not do this, your prayers will be hindered. Your union with Christ can never be broken, but your communion with him can be if you neglect the call to care for your wife this way. That is a big deal. Husbands, if you feel your failure in this, take it to the cross now and repent. There is forgiveness now and fresh grace to move toward her in love today.

Application: Living and Longing for Home … At Home

Notice, I haven’t talked at all about which household tasks should belong to each spouse. I’m talking about a complementary partnership that seeks to live out these dispositions of the soul in a way that shows forth the beauty of how Christ tends for his bride and how the church, therefore, can gladly submit to his self-giving leadership. I don’t care about who does what. I care about men who tend to their wives’ souls and treat them with honor so that they flourish in their unique identity in Christ, and I care about strong women who wear gentleness and tranquility as their clothing because they hope in God above all things and can laugh at the future. 

And in all of these things, we are living and longing for our true home while in our homes. We live and act in our homes—toward our spouses and as families—in a way that shows our ultimate hope is not in our homes.

Our ultimate hope is in Jesus Christ. Our ultimate home is in his presence, where there is fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore. We long for women whose hope is in Jesus and not their husbands, so that they can submit to their husbands and help their husbands hope in Jesus. We long for men whose hope is in Jesus and not their wives, so that they can lead their families toward courageously following Jesus and who can help their wives adorn themselves with inner beauty.

We long for marriages on mission in their neighborhoods, with spouses looking for opportunities to partner with each other as fellow heirs of the grace of life for the sake of Jesus: A man who loves his wife—like Christ “loved the church and gave himself up for her”—so that he knows her strengths, weakness, fears, and joys in order to help her find her place to flourish in her gifts. A woman who loves to come alongside her husband in supporting his gifts and encouraging him to encourage others and spend time to pointing them to Jesus. 

What we’re looking for is husbands and wives, men and women, who relate to each other with beautiful conduct that fills the home with the beautiful aroma of King Jesus. As this happens, spouses’ love for each other will start to overflow as they use their gifts in the church and as they partner to pray for and reach out in their neighborhoods. Such homes are places where spouses want to love God with all their hearts and love their neighbors as themselves.

Homes that are full of happiness and hope because our ultimate hope is in Jesus together, and our lives are meant to make much of him. Homes where we are living for the glory of our King and longing for the day when he returns and makes all things new. Until then, we are all the bride of Christ together waiting for our groom. Seeking to fill the spaces in which he’s placed us with his beauty by our conduct, and praying it will bring him glory.

Sermon Discussion Questions

• How does this section relate to 1 Peter 2:11–12 as the opening thesis for all of 2:11–4:11? 
• What similarities do you see between this section on submission and the previous two? 
• What are some common phrases you see in each section on submission? What does this tell us about the purpose and nature of submission? 
• Who is a wife called to submit to? What does that look like? 
• Why does Peter contrast outward adorning with inward adorning? If you’re a woman, how are you doing in your heart with this contrast? If you’re a husband, how can you encourage your wife in this way? 
• What can young people and singles learn from this passage? 
• What does it mean that the woman is a weaker vessel? 
• How should a husband handle and care for his wife? 
• How does this passage show the doctrine we call “complementarity”—husbands and wives equal in worth and distinct in roles? 
• If you’re married, ask God to reveal places you’re not living this out and ask forgiveness of your spouse. If you’re not married, what are some ways you can apply this to your life OR encourage a married friend or family member?