Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.—1 Peter 3:1–7

1) The Context in 1 Peter 

Let me remind you of three things we have seen already this summer in the context of our sermon series in 1 Peter.

A) We are sojourners and exiles here because our eternal citizenship is in heaven. 

Remember, the apostle Peter addresses the churches receiving this letter as “exiles” (1:1) and “sojourners and exiles” (2:11). What’s the point? The point is to underscore that our true and eternal citizenship and home is not here because we belong to another kingdom: the Kingdom of God. Remember 2:9, 

You are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.

As Christians, by the grace of the gospel, this is our eternal nationality. We belong to God, we are his people, a holy nation living to the praise of his glory. Christ is our King and Savior. All authority in heaven and earth is his. We acknowledge his reign now and gladly live in subjection to him, as our Lord. And we wait for the day when every knee in heaven and earth will bow in submission to him and every tongue will confess that he is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. 

So while we live as “citizens” of this earth, it is not really our lasting home. It is as if, as Christians, we have a green card to live as “resident aliens” during our time in this life. But really our citizenship papers, our documents, our passport is from the Kingdom of God. And all our days we live on this earth, we joyfully live in subjection to Christ, trusting him as our Lord and Sovereign.

B) As sojourners and exiles here we will suffer.

Peter makes it clear that as we live as aliens and foreigners in this world, we will likely suffer because the people of this world—who don’t know God—will often malign us and oppose us. 

C) When we suffer, we are called to do good. 

That is, when we are maligned and opposed because we belong to Christ’s kingdom, we are called to consistently do good, even if we are mistreated. Why? In order that by our good deeds unbelievers might come to believe the gospel and be reconciled to God through Christ.

Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.—1 Peter 2:12

Pastor Jason’s text last week began in 1 Peter 2:13, with Peter’s instructions regarding how we are called to live honorably and winsomely in a series of different relationships that involve some kind of submission to authority. And in each one Peter instructs us toward living honorably and winsomely in such relationships. 

We saw in verses 13–17 that we are called to live honorably “for the Lord’s sake” in subjection to all authorities (v. 13), to emperors (v. 13), to governors (v. 14), to masters (v. 18) … toward the aim of verse 12, in order that “they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.” So as we live honorably and in submission to earthly authorities, we do so in subjection to our true King.

Now, our text this morning in 1 Peter 3:1 is a continuation of that instruction as the apostle Peter directs his instruction to our marriages. First, let’s look at his instruction to wives (3:1–6) and then his instruction to husbands (3:7).

2) Instruction to Wives (1 Peter 3:1–6)

A) On Submission (vv. 1–2)

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.

Notice three things about this instruction to wives in verses 1–2. 

First, the teaching here is focused on a wife’s submission to her own husband. “Be subject to your own husband” (v. 1). The Bible does not teach a general submission of all women to all men. Rather, this is specific instruction to a wife to be subject to her own husband, in submission to the Lord in the covenant of marriage. 

Second, it is addressed to believing wives, with a special focus on those who are married to unbelievers. Some wives—some of you—are married to husbands who “do not obey the word” (v. 1). It seems best to take this as meaning that they do not obey the word of the gospel—they are unbelievers (cf. 1 Peter 1:23, 25; 4:17). That unbelieving husbands are in view is clear, in that the aim of this instruction is that these unbelieving husbands “may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.”

Is the point here that a Christian wife ought not talk at all about the gospel with her unbelieving husband? I don’t think so, because of what Peter writes a few verses later in verse 15,  

In your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect.—1 Peter 3:15

The point is not that speaking about God is forbidden. But, rather, the point is that this wife would live in a godward manner and, when the moment is right to talk about the gospel with her husband (again), she would do it in a way that is gentle not badgering, timely not pushy, not in any kind self-righteousness but with reverence for God who saves sinners. 

I have relationships like this with a good friends who are not believers. I have spoken to one honestly about my faith, and he has spoken clearly about his position of unbelief in Christ. When this happens in a marriage between a believing wife and unbelieving husband, Peter basically says, “In such a marriage, don’t focus mainly on your husband, but give yourself to ‘pure conduct’ out of reverence for God.” Then by faith in this very text, hope in God to move your unbelieving husband to faith. And pray to God that the time to give an answer for the hope you have in Christ will come.

Third, the wife’s submission is here described in verse 1 as “respectful and pure conduct.” The word translated respectful in the ESV is actually a word from which we get the word phobia. It is a preposition that can literally be translated “in fear.” So to put it more literally, Peter calls believing wives to submit to their own husbands by their “pure conduct in the fear of God.” 

Tom Schreiner, a pastor and scholar and friend of many at Bethlehem, explains it this way: 

What should be emphasized here is that the fear is not directed to the husband, but as … in 2:18… “fear” in 1 Peter is always directed toward God. Peter was not suggesting, therefore, that wives should fear their husbands (cf. 3:6), nor was he even suggesting that wives should respect their husbands (though Paul commended such in Ephesians 5:33). Instead, Peter’s point was that the good conduct of wives should stem from their relationship with God. Slaughter [another biblical scholar] rightly says that wives do not submit in order to satisfy a husband’s vanity or to promote his reputation. Neither do they submit to show how godly they are, nor to avoid conflict, nor to impress the neighbors, nor to manipulate their husbands, and not even because she thinks he is wise. She submits because of her relationship with and trust in God.¹

B) On Beauty (vv. 3–4)

Peter goes on to instruct these women to prioritize the cultivation of inner godliness— a hidden inner beauty of the heart. 

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 

Do not think of this as forbidding a wife from caring for her external person. The grammar prohibits that, because if the text meant the forbidding of hair styles and jewelry, it would also be forbidding clothing. The point is not a ban on external beauty, but an exhortation that wives would care even more about their inner beauty—the beauty of the heart. Verse 4: 

But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 

C) An Example: Sarah (vv. 5–6)

Peter supports this instruction with the illustration of Sarah, Abraham’s wife. Verse 5: 

For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

The illustration of Sarah’s holiness is seen in that, first, she hoped in God, and second, she submitted to her husband. What is meant by the phrase calling him “lord”? 

Turn to Genesis 18. In this account, when Sarah overheard the messengers of God announce to Abraham that he and Sarah would have a son in their old age, the text says, “Sarah laughed to herself, saying, ‘After I am worn out, and my lord is old, shall I have pleasure?’”

What is so special about that? She could have said, “What? After I am worn out and Abraham is a tired worn out old man, shall we have the pleasure of having a baby?” She could have disparaged him even in her private self-talk. But she didn’t. She thought of him with honor even when she was talking to herself about him, when no one was listening except God. 

Peter uses this illustration from the self-talk of Sarah as an example of the inner attitude of submission, honor, and love she had for Abraham even when observing that, apart from God’s intervention, he was way too old to father children. 

So how might we summarize the woman described in verses 1–6? 

• She lives in godly fear and reverence for God, such that even though her husband does not believe in Christ, she does not let that draw her away from Christ. Her faith is steadfastly set upon Christ. 
• Christ is her Lord and she lives in submission to his authority, such that she lives under the headship of her husband out of faith in Christ. 
• She gives herself to pure conduct—godliness and good deeds of love.
• She longs to see the salvation of her husband, yet she does not badger him, but lives a Christlike, compellingly winsome life, such that even unbelievers might see her goodness and glorify God.
• She is strong in faith, despite the fact that her husband does nothing to encourage or spiritually strengthen her faith. She is strong in the Lord and the strength of his might. 
• She is stunningly beautiful, not because she gives undue emphasis to her outward appearance, but because she has a godly beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit that will never fade, a precious inner loveliness of the heart.
• She is like the best of the holy women of the Bible who put their hope in God, being fearless in the face of the terrifying things of life.  
• She lives, not in fear of her husband, but in the fear of the Lord. 
• She lives in submission to her husband as head of the marriage under Christ, and gladly embraces him in this role, not only overtly, but even in the unspoken thoughts and attitudes of her own heart. 

A Word of Caution and Care

Regretfully, it is true that abusive husbands have used this text, and others, as a cover to disregard, belittle, dishonor and even abuse their wives. And it is regretfully true that abusive husbands have found cover for their behavior in churches like ours that hold a complementarian view of manhood and womanhood. 

How can that happen when no credible view of biblical manhood and womanhood would support or condone a husband’s dishonor or abuse of his wife? Here is how it can happen: An abusive person will sinfully use anything he can as a tool for abuse, domination, and control, such as the car keys and the checkbook—and regrettably, even the Bible and the church. 

Speaking for the Bethlehem elders, we want to do all we can in our God-given authority to stop this from happening and prevent it from continuing. To the wives, if you are in an abusive marriage, let us know. We will seek to do all we can to help you.  And, if you are a husband and you have mistreated your wife, let us know. We stand ready to help you, too.

3) Instructions to the Husbands (3:7)

The instructions to wives in verses 1–6 leave no room for a husband to harm or dishonor his wife in any way. In fact, the instruction to the husbands in verse 7 expressly forbids it. 

The word likewise that begins verse 7 again points out that this is another specific example of the way to live out verse 13, “Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution.” I take it that a Christian husband living according to these instructions is living in subjection to Christ within the institution of marriage.

There is in verse 7 a high and sober calling:

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Notice three things.

1. Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way.

What does that mean? Doesn’t it mean to live with our wives with care and kindness? To be considerate of her. To know her and study her and love her according to the knowledge we have of her. Yes, it means that. 

While not denying what I just said, Tom Schreiner makes a helpful observation that seems correct. Since the text literally reads, “live with your wives according to knowledge,” Schreiner writes, 

I understand the phrase “according to knowledge” (kata gnōsin), like “in fear” (literal translation) in 3:2 and “conscious of God” in 2:19, to refer to the relationship of husbands to God. Husbands, then, should live together with wives informed by the knowledge of God’s will, of what he demands them to do.²

According to Ephesians 5, we husbands are to love our wives as Christ loved the Church. How is that? Christ sacrificed himself for us. He washes us with his word. He nourishes us. And he cherishes us.

2. Husbands, show honor to your wives as weaker vessels, because they are “heirs of the grace of life.”

Our wives share the grace of God with us. As we have received an imperishable inheritance in heaven—namely God and all that God is and has for us in Christ—we ought to treat our wives with great honor; with dignity, as dearly loved children of God. Brothers, if you are married, the woman you have is of great worth to God.

So, because they are heirs of the grace of life, the text calls husbands to show “honor to the woman as the weaker vessel.” 

What is meant by the woman being a “weaker vessel”? It is simply a general truth. Generally speaking, biologically men’s bodies are stronger than women’s bodies. Of course there are a few exceptions, but the exceptions prove the rule. The weakness in view is not intellectual, emotional, or spiritual. It’s physical. 

The implication here is that we be gentle with our wives, not harsh. That we use our strength for their good and for their protection. 

3. A Sober Warning

The instruction to husbands comes with a warning. 

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

This passage says that if you don’t show your wife honor as a weaker vessel and a joint heir, your prayers will be hindered. 

Do you know what that means? It means, fellow husbands, that ...

• if you ignore God’s will and calling as a husband,
• if you think, speak or act disrespectfully to your wife, rather than honor her as a child of God,
• if you use your strength to harm, manipulate, control, or abuse her in any way, rather than to protect her and nourish her ...

… then God will turn his ear away from you and your prayers will not be heard.

He says likewise in 1 Peter 3:12, “For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

Conclusion

To those of you who are married, what happens within you when you read or hear verses in the Bible like this addressed to wives or husbands?

Today, there are countless ways this biblical teaching is attacked or ridiculed or undermined. Attacked with arguments that it doesn’t say what it says or that it was for another culture. Ridiculed, as it was by an evangelical author who mockingly claimed she was living out biblical womanhood for a year—and sold a lot of books. And it can be undermined by husbands and wives, people like you and me. 

Apart from God’s grace, as a husband, I will focus on the verses addressed to my wife and ignore the verses directed to me. That is a sinful deflection of the word of God—even demonic strategy is at work. Such texts ought, by the grace of God, to awaken us to new levels of love and holiness.

And I know it is not just me deflecting the word of God from myself. I have been pastoring for over 30 years. I cannot tell you how many times I have met with married couples in conflict who have defaulted into this very thing. One of the strategies of Satan to undercut the Word of God is to get you to think that the Bible passage you are reading or hearing preached or remembering is for someone else. 

If I were to make this point in the style of C.S. Lewis’s Screwtape Letters—in which a senior demon named Screwtape advises his young nephew, the demon named Wormwood—Screwtape’s demonic advice for tempting believers away from benefiting from the biblical texts on marriage would go something like this: 

Dear Wormwood, get your client (the believer), fixated on the passages that are addressed to others, and not to themselves. 

In other words, get the wives to be most fixated upon the passages addressed to husbands. Thereby, you will thwart the sanctifying work of the Bible in the wives and increase division in the marriage. 

Likewise, get the husbands most fixated upon the passages addressed to their wives. Thereby, you will likewise thwart the sanctifying work of the Bible in the husbands and increase division in the marriage. 

Keep the husbands focused on how their wives fail to live up to the biblical text. Keep the wives focused on how their husbands fail to live up to the biblical text. 

In this way, you will deflect the power of the enemy (i.e., God) and in the place of a growing love and holiness and harmony, there will instead be selfishness, blame, alienation, and self-righteous pride.

Let’s pray that that not be so.

Benediction

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.—1 Thessalonians 5:23–24 (NIV)

______

1. Schreiner, T.R. (2003), 1, 2 Peter, Jude, The New American Commentary, Volume 37 (Nashville: Broadman & Holman), p. 152.
2.  Ibid., pp. 159–160.